Before I Go, You Should Know

I’ve always liked to travel. I’ve never had much chance to do so, however. There was always one reason or another to stop me from visiting Greece, Italy, Indonesia, India, etc. My plans were never accomplished and never saw the light. I would start planning enthusiastically to go someplace, and then get stopped by either lack of money, lack of time, or family or work obligations! You name it, it was a reason at one point or the other. My enthusiasm was lessened with time, and I lost motivation. I started planning to travel knowing that it most likely won’t happen. That was the only consistent, reliable thing about my travelling plans. I have visited, however, several countries. Probably more than anyone reading the previous lines would expect. But these places were never part of the plans I’ve made. I’ve been to Syria, Egypt, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and recently Turkey for many different reasons. However, none of these places was an intended destination of mine before I was actually there. With time, I’ve come to believe that the best plans are the ones you don’t make at all – this was further established in my mind with the course of events that lead to this moment.

I was going through some bad time in my life when I’ve come across a Fulbright Fellowship that entailed travelling and living in The States for a year. It wasn’t something I have planned to do for years and years and finally got the chance to do it, like it is the case for all the other applicants I met on the program. Although, I’ve always wanted to apply to something similar, I’ve never mustered the time or dedication to take actual steps towards it. It all happened by chance. A friend of mine told me she was going on an exchange program during one of the conferences at work. I was interested, and I said I would apply - since, after all, it is a dream of mine to do such a thing. But, as usual, it was put aside for later knowing that my travelling plans never actualize anyways. It was forgotten until I was forced to remember it while going through some bad time. I was demoralized and depressed and I needed a life changing event. What could be more life changing than a year abroad doing something new with people who know nothing about you? It was a fresh start to a new life desperately needed at that time, and I took it. When I started applying, it seemed like all odds were against me getting that fellowship. I was desperate enough not to care about the outcome. The mere act of applying helped me feel better, so I did it regardless of that little voice in the back of my head telling me it won’t happen. The process took a year. It was a whole year of writing papers, filling application forms, taking tests, and going to personal interviews. It was whole year of keeping busy and not thinking of anything else. Over time, I started doing things with less and less enthusiasm and drive. I never thought I would get it, but the only thing that kept me trying is the faith some of my friends at work had in my ability to get it. They had the certainty that I didn’t have, and that assured me a bit. No expectations, no disappointments – a good rule to follow when a lot of your expectations didn’t meet the hoped for end.

And somehow I got it. I did not think the personal statement I submitted for the program was all that good, yet it was the best my interviewing committee had read in a long time- according to the American gentleman who interviewed me, and unfortunately, I forgot his name. I ranked first of twelve other applicants in the interview. And on top of all, I had fun during all that. My enthusiasm was restored. I was looking forward to the next step where I actually get to travel. My friends were more than supportive; my family wasn’t. They hated to see me leave or even think of it, and I hated to leave them and my comfort zone. The reason I applied for the fellowship in the first place was no longer there, but the excitement I felt when I was chosen exceeded all my expectations. It was out of the question to back down now, even though I had felt like it sometimes. If it wasn’t for my faithful friends encouraging me to stay the course, I wouldn’t have been getting ready to leave within a week now. Although my excitement is matched by my fear and anxiety, I know it is the right thing for me to do. I know it is an experience that I cannot afford to miss out on. My family has come to terms with me leaving and is supportive of me now. Although I can feel they are still reluctant of letting go, they understand it is something I need to do. My friends, especially my best friend, are taking my departure very hard now that it is drawing near, and I do understand for I will miss them so much. It is really hard for me to say good-bye to my friends and family and everything familiar to me here and to everyone I love, even if it is only for a year. But this time I AM going. There is absolutely nothing, but the will of God, that can stop me. It is a plan I’m going to keep no matter what the circumstance is and no matter how afraid I am. All I need is to “act, act in the living present, heart within and God overhead”, in the words of Wordsworth Longfellow. That is all I have to do to get what I really want and need; a new experience and a fresh start.